the other night, i had a dream that cameron and i had another baby. (note: if that ever happens again, it will be several years down the road. i'm not pregnant or hoping to become pregnant. nope. not now, maybe never. nope nope nope). in this dream, the baby was born by c-section, only this time it was wonderful. i was awake! i experienced the entire surgery. asa and cameron were there, too, somehow. we had a baby and i got to see and touch it right away. we didn't know the sex and were about to peek under a snug little blanket when the scene faded and my mind took me somewhere else.
the dream made me happy, but also so so sad. sad that the one thing that would have made asa's birth infinitely better is consciousness. simply being awake to experience her first hours in the world might have made all the difference.
it's like her birth is a room in my mind, and the moments i can remember are scattered all through it. when i unlock that door, i walk in and touch each moment, roll it in my hands, relive it, think about what might have been if only i'd done the tiniest thing differently. that's not a room i want to go in anymore. i want to remember those moments without reliving them, without second guessing myself. one way i know to do that is by holding on to what i love about asa's birth.
so, for you (for me), a list.
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i love that i labored at home for as long as i was comfortable. this was an important part of my birth plan, and although it didn't feel like it at the time since i labored so long at the hospital, i spent a lot of time at home, too. i labored there for about 24 hours before checking in.
i love that i got to move without restriction when i was at the hospital. i can't imagine being confined to a bed since i literally could not lay or sit during contractions. i had to walk, and i did. i walked for hours and hours. sometimes i let them check asa's heartrate every hour or so, and sometimes i wore a wireless fetal monitor. occasionally i was hooked to an iv, but i still walked and swayed and vocalized from every corner of my delivery room and up and down the hallway outside.
i love that i got to share labor with an amazing support team. cameron was so incredible. so incredible. he did everything he could to make me comfortable and keep me strong through each contraction. my doula, claire, is the absolute best. if we ever do this again, i want claire beside me. my mom helped me feel safe. my brother made me laugh when it hurt like hell. thank goodness they were there.
i love that i wore my own clothes, right up until the moment i pissed my pants and got the epidural. it's a small thing, but it felt good.
i love that on the second day, i got to labor with one of my favorite midwives in our practice, toni. she was the first midwife we met early in pregnancy, and she is wonderful. the next day, i pushed with diana, who was also fantastic. she was on call when i checked in, too, and made a joke about how if i held the baby in until sunday she'd be there to help me deliver. she was, and it was funny. as funny as that could be, i suppose. whatever.
i love that i made it to the second stage of labor. although i'd had an epidural, it was wearing off by the time i started pushing and i got to try every position i wanted to try. i pushed for over 3 hours, and i swear in retrospect it seems like 3 minutes. i am so thankful i had that experience, even if the pain was absolutely horrific by the end.
i love that only cameron knew her sex for those first hours. again, it's a small thing, but we had this vision of learning that silly little detail together ourselves after she was born. it didn't quite work out that way, but it was close enough and still such a beautiful moment.
i love that the journey landed me in the best destination i could possibly imagine. i love that the hard labor of those days helped make me asa's mama. this one's the best, i think.
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